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13 Things You Should NEVER Say To A Naked Man
There are two reasons men get naked: to get clean, and to get laid. Most of the time, when a guy gets naked in front of you, it's for the second reason. Or maybe he's about to go skinny-dipping, which—technically—has the potential to achieve both goals. In any case, a guy who disrobes before you trusts you, and he really cares what you think. Now, I know you're way too smart to actually utter any of these phrases next to a nude dude, but just in case, here's a little refresher:
Why aren't you hard yet? Hey, sometimes we need to warm up slowly! But now that you asked, we're too self-conscious
and stuck inside our own head to finish the job. If we were a little too drunk, now we're way too drunk. If we were a little too tired, suddenly our eyelids feel like anvils. It’s fine to think this one, but please don't ask.
Are you going to get off? Same thing here—as soon as you ask, it's definitely not happening. Sensitive sex mishaps are best dealt with delicately. If you think he's struggling, just slow down and give him a chance to rethink his attack. Odds are he just needs a new position, a new rhythm, or a helping hand.
Oh! I have to take this call! Chances are you don't. You're choosing to though, and that's kind of a boner killer.
Don't worry—it's cold in here. OK, OK, let’s not patronize us, alright? We're probably already well aware of the cold and its effects. And even if it's not cold—well, sometimes shrinkage happens for reasons we can’t explain. Maybe we just had a big workout, and all our blood is routed to our muscles. Or a big meal, and all our blood is in our stomach. We don't know, OK? We’re not scientists!
Do you love me? Of course we love you! We love you more than the internet loves cats! Or, you know, if this is a casual thing, at least we do right now. But if you want a truly honest answer, ask us later, when we're not so naked. (You can also look for these five signs he's falling in love with you.)
So this one guy did this thing…Can you try it? Don't get us wrong, we love knowing what you like. But let's at least try to phrase this in a way that doesn't sound like we're going to compete with some other guy's go-to move. It's perfectly OK to tell us what to do without also explicitly
telling us that you know it from experience—like whispering in our ear how much you want us (us!) to do something to you.
Guys usually love it when I… Again, this just has a bad ring to it. Would you like it if we brought up all the girls we hooked up with while you're naked? Didn’t think so.I have something important I need to tell you… Bad news sounds worse when you're naked—and we’re also less likely to give it the full weight it deserves. So whether you're married, you're still in love with your ex boyfriend, you're a lesbian, you have an infectious STI, you had sex with
our best friend, or anything else totally serious, please—tell us while our clothes are still on.
Wow—guys are really hairy. Any time you say "guys are …" when you're next to our naked body, we know you're talking specifically about us. We know not all guys are really hairy. We also know that we are. Thanks for making a point to tell us.
You should really watch Magic Mike with me. Really? Now? Channing?
So tell me about your last breakup. Really? Now? Relationship talk?
I really need to clean this apartment. This has to stop. Chances are your guy didn't tear off his shirt to show
you his meandering happy trail. He probably wants to jump your bones, and any random tangents make us feel like we're less than exciting and not exactly great at keeping your attention. If you want to talk about something important pre-sex, may I suggest what position you'd like to try first?
Actually, I’m not really in the mood anymore. Well that is information we could have used before we hurled our jeans across the room in a flamboyant display of passion. So pardon while we step off into the bathroom for a few minutes. We have a thing to attend to.